Monthly Archives: December 2016

ALICE AND LETTING GO

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ALICE AND LETTING GO

letting_go_by_shadowelve-du5b7n

I may have written something about this before but now I can’t remember. However this time I am talking, not about letting someone else or something else go. I am talking about letting myself go.

I am not a good Jew, but I have inherited the Jewish guilt syndrome. I am a worrier, and I in the past felt guilty about everything. Thank you Mom! But it is time to let that self go, and I am ready and willing.

My mother always told me by word or deed, that I was responsible for her misery. And my mother was the most miserable, unhappy, unfulfilled human being I have ever known. One could feel, physically, her depression. It was palpable. I mourned for her when she was living. I felt a terrible sadness for her. But I was never able to make her happy. She wanted me to reflect her life as some kind of validation, and I just could not give that to her. She even once wrote me a letter and said that I was nothing without a husband. As angry as this letter made me, it still hurt to hear my mother tell me I was nothing and had no hope.

Letting go a part of yourself that you have carried for so long is not easy. Freeing yourself from things that do not serve you, but that have been an ingrained part of you for most of your life to date, is painful. For me, it is like unchaining myself. I am not sure who the girl in the photograph is – my mother or my chained self. But I do know that I am those butterflies being set free. If it is my mother, I can understand her grief and sadness at freeing those beautiful creatures. They can continue their journey now, of becoming, of adventure and growth. They can spread their wings and share their beauty. For now, it belongs only to each of them.

Freedom is the greatest thing you can give yourself. And only you can give it. When it feels like others have taken it from you, it is only because you gave it away. If it is my mother setting me free at last, it is her final act of love. It is finally an act of love. I can love her back now that she doesn’t hate me anymore. In my dreams and meditations she has been asking me for forgiveness. I can forgive her now, and in doing so, let her go. She can move on and so can I. Each of us takes her freedom and runs with it.

Thank you, Mom, for letting me go and helping me to let you go. We are both free.

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ALICE AND HER NEW PLANNER

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I have a long history as a list-maker. I would make lists of things I wanted to accomplish, which would be followed by a schedule that no sane person could keep up with. Invariably after a few weeks, the schedules would be tossed out and a dismal feeling of failure would engulf me. I was basically setting myself up to fail. And it was all a part of being afraid to succeed. That may sound ass backwards, but that’s how it was.

Since moving to New Mexico I have stayed away from schedules. But recently I have felt that I needed to start naming things: my feelings, my passions, my desires, my goals – and begin to takes action about realizing them. I live in my head way too much. So I spent a good bit of money and bought this AWESOME planner by Tools4Wisdom. And it is really fab!!!

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It contains October, November, and December of 2016, and all of 2017. It has sections to write general goals, weekly goals, appointments, priorities, and notes and ideas as they come. At first I was a bit overwhelmed with its size  and how many things I was being asked to write, but last night before bed I began”the work” and started writing in it.

I am committed to practicing with it every night, setting up the next day, and being kind to my reluctant and procrastinating self. Sometimes coming out and naming things can have a very motivating effect. You begin to see that your wants are not always your deepest desires and passions. I have learned in all my years on the planet in this human experience, that there is a big difference between wanting and needing. And, while I want a shitload of stuff, my real needs are very basic, and lots more profound.

I am thrilled with my new planner and feel that it is really going to help me figure some things out. I have always worked on myself, but this will get me out of my head and more productive. I am clearly ready for this new challenge else I would not have spent the money and delved right in. And I might not have written this post.  Yay!!!