I am sure that I must have written about this before, but at present, I am in a terrible depression and feel horribly lost. There is a lot going on – some health issues that concern me a lot – a time of reassessing things, feeling in flux and out of control. But at the end of the day, I know this dark place all too well and it is a painful place to be. Nothing gives me joy and things that did not too long ago, no longer do.
The little, crazy family that Kimm and I have created for ourselves feels a bit detached from me. I love our family, and still feel supported, but none of that can eclipse this emptiness. I haven’t been meditating, or writing or doing anything really. I saw my therapist yesterday, and she gave me 3 options while waiting for this depression to lift. One was to just bide my time. Knowing that everything is constantly changing and nothing lasts forever. But that doesn’t work for me. I get too caught up inside my own head, and change is too slow. Two was to give myself a project – like knitting or some such – and just knit until there is emotional movement. The last one was to work on things that have given me joy in the past and even if I only write a sentence, I have accomplished something and am less out of control. I have taken charge.
Number 3 appeals to me the most, as I have a couple of proverbial irons in the fire already – like this blog – and I really don’t want to let them go. Being proactive seems to me the most positive thing for me. The best solution. So here I am, and I do feel better just being on my site and writing. Just the other day, I wrote a “Simple Contentment” piece for the iWonderSisterhood.com website and I had a good day then too. So a bit of pushing myself out of this dark comfort zone is the answer for me.
And yes. When one is in a deep depression, the darkness becomes a comfort. One doesn’t want to do anything! Making any kind of move takes a monumental effort and often that effort feels too impossible. But one thing I do know from my own history, is that I am a survivor. I can only sit around with my head in my hands for so long before I say “Enough!”. Today is the day I say “Enough”.
Not that tomorrow I won’t find myself back int the dark pit. But probability says I won’t. Because I have reclaimed my Self. This brief entry is enough to give me some control over things. Depression is a living, breathing entity, but I can choose to no longer be part of its agenda. Kahlil Gibran so beautifully says in The Prophet “Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.” Perhaps my depression is merely an inversion of my true joy, and that joy lurks just under its surface. Like my joy is just standing on its head. I like that image.