Leonard Nimoy died yesterday. Mr. Spock. “Live long and prosper.” An era of my life just passed along with him. And I feel so tired. Why? I don’t really know. I can’t really complain about anything. I have a house, food, clothes, a fire for warmth, love in my life – all the essentials for survival. So why?
My phone service is being suspended because I can’t pay the bill – again – and I am tired of living this way. I am about to lose another tooth(which hurts like hell)and I fear I am going to need dentures really soon because I can hardly chew anything. That doesn’t make me feel old, but it’s a damn inconvenience. And pain is tiring. And even with all that there is yet to do for this blog and for the iWonderSisters enterprise, I feel purposeless.
I am tired of the struggle of living without “having”. I know Kimm is as well, but I think she rolls with it a lot better than I do. I mean it is what it is, and until something changes for us it will be this. I fret and worry, and sometimes my head is full of only numbers. It’s exhausting. Yeah, I work on it, search myself, meditate and try to let go, but I can get pretty anal on the odd occasion. And today is odd.
The feeling of loss is strong. Not just because of Mr. Spock, but because I feel like I am fighting too hard and still treading water. I know myself, I love myself, and I respect all that I have accomplished in life, but today it isn’t enough. I would love to stick my head in a thick cheesecake and go into a sugar coma. I would love some marijuana, some hard bubbly, something to relax and numb me. I am feeling too much and I feel very vulnerable. I can’t cry and don’t really want to. But I feel low and stuck in it and that I have had enough.
I know that Kimm and I can move mountains and any obstacles that are in front of us. But today I’m not feeling it. However, if the truth be told, tomorrow I know I will feel different. I won’t be so tired and fed up, change will be imminent, and I will feel renewed. It always happens this way. I know myself so well.
The good news is that I live in a fucking paradise that takes my breath away all the time. There may be too much cold in the air, too much snow on the ground to be anything close to mobile, but I am among the Universe’s blessed ones. I adore my BFF and the people in my life that love me so much. I do not feel alone in this. I feel “together” and “with”. I have a beer on this table, and the animals amaze me always. There is fun here too. We laugh long and hard. We joke about the things that trouble us, which lessens their impact and empowers us. And with all the horror haunting the world, what troubles us is insignificant. We have all we need and then-some.
So now I busy myself stoking the fire and making Chloe’s chicken. She’s been barking her head off but it’s way too early to feed her. Busy with the business of the day, which today is very blessed. So, I am already feeling better, more purposeful. But I will miss Leonard Nimoy and that part of my history that fades a bit.