Alice and Resolve

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happynewyear

This is my first post of 2015. I realize now more than ever that my life is in my hands. I am not a resolution maker, but there are some things that must change this year for me to feel I am walking the talk.

Throughout my life I have been a list and schedule writer. Things to do, goals to achieve – all set to a timed schedule. And invariably I accomplished none of it. I would adhere to the schedule for a few days and then one lapse, and the schedule was all over. Essentially this behavior was just setting myself up for failure, which perpetuated an already low self-esteem and the idea that I was really no good.

Now, at 67, and living yet another “second chance” – reinventing myself again – I think I am really beginning to get that my resolve is all that matters. What I achieve is almost neither here nor there. It is how I feel within that will motivate me or not, write The Pet Sitter or not, really learn the Tarot or not. Motivation does not depend on the weather, whether I have enough money, or even I have had a good night’s sleep. Motivation lives inside me despite anything external. It is about feeling excited, impassioned, and full of the life force. It is a knowing that the energy I need is in my hands.

If I have a bad day, or feel unproductive, it does NOT mean that I have given up, or lost my resolve. Living in the present moment tells me that bad days will happen, but that does not define my intention. It is just like the dieter who has one cookie and then feels like she may as well eat the whole box. She literally tells herself she can’t do it. She forgets that tomorrow comes, and with it, new opportunities to do better. Another day to recommit.

For me, holding the promise of 2015 in my hands, is my responsibility to my Self. It is loving the Spirit that is Andie, honoring her, and doing something with all my great ideas. It is fulfillment of my desires, embracing my destiny, and knowing my reason for being here on the human plane. That is all one can ask of Life.

All the things I know about myself that hold me back, no longer play a part in what I create for myself. They are not in this moment. They exist in the past, along with my horrible childhood and the pit of my illness. They no longer define me. I have learned that I am a survivor. Resolve belongs to me. And I am.

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