Monthly Archives: January 2015

ALICE and SELF LOVE

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This morning I meditated for the first time in about 2 months. I have never been away from meditation that long before. It wasn’t difficult to get back in the groove and I closed my eyes and allowed. What happened to me has blown my mind.

The Universe spoke to me. You can call it God, Divine Spirit, whatever feels right for you. And it addressed me where I am at my most vulnerable: This feeling that I am not worthy because I am “bad”. It told me that I am a good person, that I deserve all that is abundant in this life because I am worthy, as every other Soul on this earth is worthy. It said that warlords in Africa are worthy, that terrorists are worthy, that all are Its children. The logical conclusion therefore, must be that I am worthy as well.

I wept and felt terribly overwhelmed. I often think such awful things about myself, and It said that I need to let those things go. They do not define me. I am a Soul in a body, I am Divine, Pure, and I am Love. I am all that a Human within a Soul can possibly be. And that I am fulfilling my life’s purpose. I am on the path I am meant to be on.

I felt a weight lifted from me. Indeed I felt weightless. I can do anything I want to, and I deserve to. I can be loved, and I deserve that too. (Even though being loved is much harder than loving. At least that’s what I believe.)

I MUST treat myself with care and tenderness. I MUST appreciate all that I do both creatively and practically. I MUST give to myself, nurture myself, encourage myself. It’s funny. Sometime during the 1970’s I saw a psychic who told me that I need to take myself by the hand and parent myself. Back then I was not able to do that. But now, at 67, I can.

I amaze myself. At this stage of one’s life, most people are giving in to the aging process to the extent that they cease to evolve anymore. Here I am transforming every day, and doing so with excitement and joy. Greater self-awareness and self-acceptance are coming to me. I am indeed as the butterfly emerging from its chrysalis. This is so GREAT!

So, I resolve to meditate every day as I was doing before. I need to go to that place where I am really still and quiet, and let the Universe take me where it will. Undoubtedly I won’t have the kind of session I had this morning every morning. But now that I have had it once, perhaps that means I am more open, more ready to receive.

Alice and Resolve

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This is my first post of 2015. I realize now more than ever that my life is in my hands. I am not a resolution maker, but there are some things that must change this year for me to feel I am walking the talk.

Throughout my life I have been a list and schedule writer. Things to do, goals to achieve – all set to a timed schedule. And invariably I accomplished none of it. I would adhere to the schedule for a few days and then one lapse, and the schedule was all over. Essentially this behavior was just setting myself up for failure, which perpetuated an already low self-esteem and the idea that I was really no good.

Now, at 67, and living yet another “second chance” – reinventing myself again – I think I am really beginning to get that my resolve is all that matters. What I achieve is almost neither here nor there. It is how I feel within that will motivate me or not, write The Pet Sitter or not, really learn the Tarot or not. Motivation does not depend on the weather, whether I have enough money, or even I have had a good night’s sleep. Motivation lives inside me despite anything external. It is about feeling excited, impassioned, and full of the life force. It is a knowing that the energy I need is in my hands.

If I have a bad day, or feel unproductive, it does NOT mean that I have given up, or lost my resolve. Living in the present moment tells me that bad days will happen, but that does not define my intention. It is just like the dieter who has one cookie and then feels like she may as well eat the whole box. She literally tells herself she can’t do it. She forgets that tomorrow comes, and with it, new opportunities to do better. Another day to recommit.

For me, holding the promise of 2015 in my hands, is my responsibility to my Self. It is loving the Spirit that is Andie, honoring her, and doing something with all my great ideas. It is fulfillment of my desires, embracing my destiny, and knowing my reason for being here on the human plane. That is all one can ask of Life.

All the things I know about myself that hold me back, no longer play a part in what I create for myself. They are not in this moment. They exist in the past, along with my horrible childhood and the pit of my illness. They no longer define me. I have learned that I am a survivor. Resolve belongs to me. And I am.