Monthly Archives: October 2014

ALICE AND EMPTINESS

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Emptiness-is-not

Since I wrote about resistance I had several days of productivity and wrote a bit on THE PET SITTER every day. But that went on for perhaps 4 or 5 days. Then I stopped. I have had to rethink the resistance argument. I think I may be pregnant.

Creatively speaking, I have felt a little empty for a long while. I sometimes attribute it to laziness or a lack of the psychic energy needed to write. But I think I really feel empty. My brain really feels like this huge, barren cavern, with not even air in it. Just a big nothingness. But what does that really mean for me?

There was a time – a long ago crazy time – when I was inspired all the time and wrote feverishly. But real inspiration is very rare nowadays, or perhaps I am just not seeing it.

I think the truth underneath this empty feeling is that I am in gestation. That does not take the responsibility for writing off me, but it explains this inability to do so. The ideas are percolating inside me and, perhaps, are just not ready to be born. Maybe that’s me making excuses. But I do not believe that this feeling of being empty means that I am empty. I think I am stuck in pregnancy. I think I am really full. My brain is working overtime, though it may feel quite the opposite.

So what am I supposed to do in the meanwhile? How am I supposed to feel? If I accept the verity of the quote above, I MUST accept that I am never empty. That there is only unmanifested full-ness. Fear is the block. Fear about feeling that full-ness. I can only try to be aware all the time of how I feel and welcome those feelings. Truth is: I am terrified. Of baring my soul, exposing my heart. And that’s normal.

Bottom line? What am I actually saying? I feel empty but I’m really not. I am pregnant and scared. And I am in avoidance of feeling my feelings. Even surrounded by all the beauty of my new home, creatively I am stuck. Maybe I really am just not ready. Maybe I don’t want to write THE PET SITTER, though I feel pulled to do it. Maybe it is simply resistance. I only know that I am empty and not aware of the unmanifested full-ness. And I don’t know what I must do to see it. Relax. Stop punishing myself for a lack of productivity. Stop worrying about being 67 and not having time to be patient.

Ease up, Alice.

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ALICE AND RESISTANCE

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resisting

I have had to think long and hard about why I am not writing THE PET SITTER. Kimm has suggested that perhaps I am not ready, or that the time is not right. I understand that approach to this dilemma, but, if I really search myself, I have to say that I disagree. I think those “reasons” are nothing more than excuses. For ME. I believe that my issue is resistance pure and simple.

I look at the man in the image above and wonder if he is being enclosed upon, or if he is pushing against something that is a part of him. That wall that we hit head-on is resistance. Punching a hole in that wall and crawling through it, finding freedom again, freedom and the limitless possibilities that I know I am, is what I need to do.

I hate getting all cognitive here, but what I need to do is devise a plan whereby I take baby steps towards the goal. Giving myself doable tasks for each day that MAKE me write – even if it is just a sentence – will give me the confidence and courage to do more. But my question to myself remains. Why am I resistant?

I think at this point in my journey, the answer to that question is far less important than devising a strategy to DO more. It really doesn’t matter if my mother hated me and told me I was worthless. I already know the genesis of the blocks I am facing. They are all in the past, and it is time to let that go and move on. If I embrace the present, and live in awareness, the past will no longer matter. And it will no longer hold me back.

Without realizing it, I have been playing the victim, and living the blame game. Yes, I was seriously damaged as a child by parents who didn’t know any better. But it is no longer their fault that I remain stuck in certain areas of my life. I have perpetuated the problem. I have taken up their mantle and continued the abuse. I was too willing a student. No, I don’t blame myself as well. I was too young to know better or to protect myself. But I already understand my history, have made a certain peace with it, and now it is time to put up or shut up.

I have been lucky enough to have been given the tools to do better for myself. I realize that I know what I want. I just don’t do all I can about it. THE PET SITTER may help many people see that transformation is ALWAYS possible. It might give people courage. As it has given me. Now all I need to do is to tap into my courage and take action. Baby steps. Achievable goals. And be ready to fail, to feel pain as the writing brings emotional things up for me.

I know I can do it. I just need to give myself permission to tell the story. There is no one living that I can hurt by the telling of it. And if I am as ready to expose the secret parts of myself as I believe that I am, now IS the time.