I meditate. Every day. Most mornings my meditations set me up for a joy-filled day. For the last 2 days, however, my brain chatter has been constant and noisy, and no matter what I have done I haven’t been able to quiet it. I believe in choice when it comes to emotions and thoughts, but I feel – at least right now – that choice has been taken from me. Or, to put it a bit less from victim mode, choice eludes me. I can’t find it.
Yes, you say. So open your eyes! Easier said than done sometimes, and now is one of those times. I keep telling myself all the “right” things: Let it go. Own only what belongs to me. I can only control and change myself. But I still feel myself stuck in the muck. And it all goes back to my mother, and how afraid we all were of her.
Her old tapes play in my head over and over, and other people can trigger them. And sometimes it is only after the fact that I realize it is my mother and not the sales lady or receptionist. I have the knee-jerk reaction and only later do I understand what really happened. It makes me crazy. Er.
Mind chatter is the ego, the fear-based entity, sometimes the child each of us has inside. In the human experience on this earth plane, we will all deal with this part of our being. Finding tools for coping with it that work for you is your job and your right. We do not have to be controlled by this small piece of ourselves. And it is small, which is part of its problem. It thinks it’s big, wants to be in control, craves attention.
MY dilemma is only how to turn the volume down until I can’t hear it anymore. My awareness of all this helps me. In cases like this, awareness is everything. It keeps you from making rash decisions and doing things that you might regret.
In my case, my awareness has kept me from contacting someone I wish to put in my past. She has hit the ball over the proverbial net and is waiting for the return. Not engaging is the best course of action – for me. For my good health and wellness doing nothing is doing everything I need to do. I have found choice again. Hooray for me! And my Self is victorious.
We all get lost in the muck from time to time. Remembering what happened the last time and taking from that what has worked is how we grow. It is how we evolve, how we heal. Each of us has the capacity to do better, to heal ourselves. It is a process – a process that never ends. But that is also part of the thrill of being alive.