#Alice and Avoidance

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I haven’t written for this blog in a very long time, and I have to ask myself “Why?” I think that part of it is that I associate ajdowntherabbithole with a part of myself that I don’t like to think about, especially when I am feeling well. But the truth is, I am reminded of my illness four times a day when I have to take my medications. Sometimes I take them without really thinking about it much, but it is a constant tap on the shoulder.

During the months between my last post and this one, I have had a few minor “off moments”. Not a full blown episode, thankfully, but a few moments when I had to reign in my racing, delusional, and obsessive thoughts. It’s hard work being me – sometimes. I am in a struggle with my brain often enough to get tired of it.

But I am one of the blessed ones. I have people to talk to who understand – I know I am not alone, even if it feels like it. And I have, over the years, acquired many useful tools to help me deal with the “off” times. I pretty much know what I need to do, and I do it. Sure, it’s not a simple thing, but I manage.

If nothing else, all this always reminds me how strong I am, and what a survivor I have become. No one else is really responsible for where and who I am today.  I did it! Not by myself of course – I had plenty of help. But ultimately, all the decisions were mine, and their consequences as well. I am proud of me. That’s no small thing.I have had to go through a lot for me to be able to say that. And the people who matter to me, are proud of me as well.

The truth is, I am the sum total of my parts, and each part counts for something. Accepting the totality of myself and all that that involves, is the most difficult thing for me to do, but I am almost there. I am as close as I could be, without actually arriving. But that’s just fine with me. After all, it’s the journey and not the destination. Becoming teaches us far more than having become, if you get my drift. And it’s the lessons that matter. I hope I never arrive!

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