Monthly Archives: July 2014

#Alice and Gratitude


gratitudeToday I woke up three times before actually getting out of bed. I had what I call “second sleeps”, when you peacefully doze after the first wake-up. And each second sleep was sweeter than the one before it. I had my Chlo with me, and everything was as it should be. Later, after breakfast, I meditated, and was overcome with tears of Gratitude. In fact, my entire meditation was a prayer of Gratitude.

I am in the best place emotionally than I have ever been. My environment is magical and full of beauty. My work is steady. We have food in the fridge, and money in the bank. My birthday is in 2 days and I am eager for the next year. 67 is a four year, and 4 is my path number. As I approach 70, a big deal, I get more and more excited, because I am realizing my dreams, and age doesn’t matter. In fact, I am living proof that life is full of second chances and I have had many, thank you very much. This is about my fourth one I think. And it is the best one yet. And I do NOT regret that it is coming in my “elder” years. I couldn’t have done what I am doing now at any other time in my life. I am so grateful that I am mentally in a space where I can take advantage of this incredible opportunity. And I am sharing this time with my soul sister, which makes it even more special, and our relationship is full of joy.

I love this feeling – Gratitude. It permeates every cell in my body and fills me up to beyond my physical body. I FEEL so much more than my physical self. I am expansive and expanded, and I touch the sky as I soar. And I can take you with me. I can’t give you this feeling, for it comes from deep within. But by sharing it in this way, I can take you with me. By sharing it with you, you can rest in the knowing that it is possible for you too. Deepak Chopra always talks about “limitless possibilities”, and I am living proof of them.

Gratitude is something that you must nurture, and I am doing my best. And if you look – some of you may have to look hard – there is something that you can be grateful for. There always is. That is the beauty of Gratitude. It exists. Our job, as human beings, is to recognize it when it appears. Today I am there. And I am so grateful.


#Alice and Avoidance


I haven’t written for this blog in a very long time, and I have to ask myself “Why?” I think that part of it is that I associate ajdowntherabbithole with a part of myself that I don’t like to think about, especially when I am feeling well. But the truth is, I am reminded of my illness four times a day when I have to take my medications. Sometimes I take them without really thinking about it much, but it is a constant tap on the shoulder.

During the months between my last post and this one, I have had a few minor “off moments”. Not a full blown episode, thankfully, but a few moments when I had to reign in my racing, delusional, and obsessive thoughts. It’s hard work being me – sometimes. I am in a struggle with my brain often enough to get tired of it.

But I am one of the blessed ones. I have people to talk to who understand – I know I am not alone, even if it feels like it. And I have, over the years, acquired many useful tools to help me deal with the “off” times. I pretty much know what I need to do, and I do it. Sure, it’s not a simple thing, but I manage.

If nothing else, all this always reminds me how strong I am, and what a survivor I have become. No one else is really responsible for where and who I am today.  I did it! Not by myself of course – I had plenty of help. But ultimately, all the decisions were mine, and their consequences as well. I am proud of me. That’s no small thing.I have had to go through a lot for me to be able to say that. And the people who matter to me, are proud of me as well.

The truth is, I am the sum total of my parts, and each part counts for something. Accepting the totality of myself and all that that involves, is the most difficult thing for me to do, but I am almost there. I am as close as I could be, without actually arriving. But that’s just fine with me. After all, it’s the journey and not the destination. Becoming teaches us far more than having become, if you get my drift. And it’s the lessons that matter. I hope I never arrive!