I have studied different kinds of Buddhism and read many books, listened to lectures – and practiced. I know that saying “I do not know”, is the doorway to all knowing. I understand that now is all I have and the past and future do not exist. I have felt myself in the flow of the Universe and its intention as well as my own and I have reaped the benefits of meditation. And yet, I find myself at odds with Eastern philosophy right now, struggling to “fix” things, to make goals and plans for tomorrow. The moment is eluding me, even as I rest in it.
The noise in my brain is the main cause. I am a prisoner of my own unending internal chatter – a looping monologue that goes over and over the same crap and will not be stilled. I realize that this is the ego screaming at me, and the harder I work at silencing it, the louder it gets. For the past couple of days my meditations have been full of noisy distractions and I have fought to bring myself back to center. I am not here. I feel myself over there and over there, but not here. And the ego is a petulant child, who demands attention and gets frightened when it does not get it. Ignoring the noise does not seem to be the answer. At least not for me right now.
Yet, I can take a step back from the din and become the observer. I can shape the looping monologue into clouds that drift peacefully across the screen of my mind and pass through me. I can let them go. For in truth, the struggle isn’t with my chatter, it is with my self. It is with the idea that I am separate from the Whole. The struggle is with the petulant child (ego) who is forever needy. And its genesis was in an abusive childhood, which is now past and must be let go.
If I am to “be” in the moment, I must be vulnerable and naked and unafraid. The moment eludes me because of fear alone. That is the bottom line. The needy child is afraid of disappearing by merging with the idea of limitlessness. No, with limitlessness itself. Not the idea of it. But as a soul in a physical body, I am subject to the laws of the physical world (at least to a point) and must abide by them while I am in this body. But, even in this body, I am also transcendent and can quiet the ego, through observance, and experience now fully.
So the resolution to my dilemma is simple: step back and observe. Stop struggling with the ego and accept it for what it is. Even love it. It is a part of me. It is the part of me that is propelled by fear, and it can be stilled and transcended through the act of extreme loving and acceptance. The moment can only elude me if I walk with eyes closed.