ALICE AND CONFUSION

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I thought I knew. I thought I knew what I wanted and where I was headed. I felt the anxiety of anticipation of big changes very imminent, and was excited and terrified all at once. Now it has all been called into question by a reputable Feng Shui astrologist with whom I had a session yesterday. She said that while she sees me in the city of my choice, now is not the time for movement. It is a time of centering and stability. She sees the move happening next January, with the next several months used for gathering myself and planning. And what I see is what little money I have left for the move being spent here on rent and utilities. I thought I had already gathered myself and planned. Now I am confused and I don’t like it.

No, I have not given my life’s choices over to this woman who, BTW, is very intuitive and super sweet. But as I have been having second and third thoughts about moving at all, she has confirmed for me that “limbo” is where I need to be right now. No movement. Just centering.  And she didn’t really answer my questions. Rather, she gave me parameters with which to frame them. On the up side she sees me meeting someone during November-December. The bottom line though, is that I still have to figure all this out myself and I feel stuck. But she is telling me that “stuck” is where I need to be for the moment. Aaaaaaargh! I hate limbo. I am a decider by nature. Being in this place of not knowing may be very zen but it is not particularly comfy. Fuck zen; my brain is mush.

Meanwhile, life goes on as if nothing has changed and really, so far, nothing has. But all the signs I am getting point to radical change and very soon. Like NOW. So what does it all mean? Am I just looking in the wrong place for the answers – that being outside myself? I meditate on this every day and my meditations are deep and intense. I try to go with the flow and stay placid, but I cannot help feeling that I am avoiding something.  Change is already happening. I am just not in the moment enough to feel it. 

Confusion is confusing, and limbo does not preclude movement of some kind. If stillness is where I need to be, then let it be. Just like John Lennon said. “Let it be.” I can do that, even if a bit unwillingly. Even if I am not controlling things, I still make the choices. And the choices will define me – not my hands on the reins. 

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