Ok. Here we go. I am moving to another city and state, a place I’ve never been, where I know no one and, at the moment, have no set place to live or job to pay the bills. My brain has been planning this move for months but the time is almost upon me and action has to be taken. Don’t get me wrong. I have done plenty of research, spoken to movers, decided what I am taking, but the actual physical getting-the-move-going is only just beginning. Today my housemate and I had a friend take down most of our boxes of crap from the attic and they now fill the back room. I know both she and I have been putting this off as long as we could. The actual moving of things makes it all so real. This is going to be a grieving process. And it starts now.
To top things off, my 66th birthday is next week and I am not ready for it. I feel like I am asking myself to say goodbye to too much all at once. I only just turned 65! It’s going much too quickly. For fuck’s sake – it was just Christmas. At least that’s how it feels. I have always hated Florida, ended up here kind of by default, and would never have chosen this place to make my home. Funny thing is, I have lived here longer than any place else. The Universe giving me the Royal Raspberry, isn’t it?
As I prepare to say my farewells, I am stunned by how many more things about Florida I will miss than I thought I would. The people go without saying. Friends cannot be replaced. But my house, the flora and fauna, the way of my days here – I will be sad to leave it all. It is the end of an important phase of my life. And knowing there is a new beginning attached to it, does not mitigate my sadness. In fact, at this very moment, I am scared shit-less of the new beginning.
But isn’t the new beginning happening right now? There is no line of demarcation that separates endings and beginnings. One bleeds into the other. The new beginning has been happening all along. I am already in it. In some ways I have been bidding adieu all this time that I have been planning the move. On another plane, I began to say goodbye the very day I came here, as nothing stays the same and everything ends eventually. Change is all we can know.
Stephen Sondheim wrote a song for the musical A Little Night Music called “Every Day a Little Death” and I can’t help but see my life as a series of deaths and births co-occurring. I become ashes and rise like the phoenix each moment I breathe.