As a big proponent of staying in the flow of the Universe and my intention, I try always to let go of obsessive negative thinking. But there is a big disconnect between my head and my heart here and I am in a bit of a stew right now. I had a job interview on Monday on the phone as the job is out of state, and I can’t help myself going over and over the gaffs and boo-boo’s I made. When the interview was over I felt stupid and tongue-tied and lay on my bed depressed and bummed for a long while. I was not feeling successful and not letting it go.
It is 3 days later and I am still in that negative space. I want a “do-over” with my interview. I want to call the company and tell them I am not an idiot and ask if we can start over. But it’s like being in the theatre and trying to take back a bad performance. Can’t be done. NO. It’s worse than that. Because at the time the interview was going on I knew that I was bombing and I couldn’t stop myself. I just got in deeper and deeper. I can even remember a voice in my head saying,”Shut up already!” But I was like bath water that the plug had just been pulled on. I was going down the drain at a rapid rate and there was no stopping it. Oh crap.
Letting things go and moving on is an art – a practiced art – and you have to work hard on your thought processes every minute of every day if you are at all like me – someone who obsesses when “bad” things happen. But the true art is in not passing judgment on any event in your life. Things may seem good or bad, but in reality they just are. They are passing moments meant to teach us something. And in the end all there is is now, this time, this second, this moment of being.
So. What is my plan for the rest of my day? Can I really just be present now? Can I let it all go and forget about feeling like a dumb-ass? I know I can, but I am a creature of habit and habits are difficult to break, especially after all the years I have lived. I admit that I feel a bit better than I did when I sat down to write this. Even a little hopeful. Honesty and time heal me. I take the hand of the frightened child that is me, and together we walk under the stars.