I am writing a book about my journey to wellness and recently I was writing a lot about my parents. They are both dead, as we speak, but my father only months ago. In working through my feelings about these two people I have felt, for a long time, that I was past real anger and bitterness. But as I wrote about them the other day, I realized that there is still a lot of residual rage inside me. It kind of unnerved me. I had forgiven them, or thought I had. I had expressed my gratitude to them for whatever part they had played in making me the person I am today. Even their mistakes and what they didn’t do, contributed to the me I have come to like. I thought I had come so far regarding my mother and father; but I hadn’t. I was stunned by the feelings I felt while writing about them.
I am still enraged by their narcissistic parenting and their abuse. I don’t feel it right now, but I did in spades two days ago. Where is this rage resting inside me? And how can I work through it? Or, will I always feel some of it when the right buttons are pushed? I am hard enough on myself to think that were I a better person, this anger would dissipate and leave me alone and my parents to rest in peace. But perhaps I am asking too much of myself. I don’t know. At this moment I am confounded. If the past is done and now is all we have, then why am I, at times, still so stuck?
Perhaps there are no answers to the questions I have about this. Perhaps all I can do is keep moving forward and do the best I can each day. Perhaps the best things for me to do are meditate and write and be a decent human being. Perhaps the answer is found in loving and being loved. There is plenty of love and loving in my life and I am blessed beyond measure. Perhaps the anger is and always will be a natural part of the human experience and I should just give myself a break. Can I do that? I think I’d better try if I know what’s good for me.