I have written about change before and talked about how, in the end, I am always moved by the thrill of the new. But big changes are afoot for me, coming very soon, and the stirrings of my “kicking-and-screaming” self is evident to me, manifest by the knot in my stomach and this very subtle feeling of resistance.  It is like walking around with a low-grade fever all the time. I feel yucky and at the same time anxious for the changes to come. I ache from the tension in my body and also feel as though I will burst with joy. It’s all very confusing to the somatic system-not to mention what it does to the psyche. Mentally and emotionally I am up and down like a yo-yo and it is exhausting.

Stillness helps, as does movement. A brisk walk with my poochie, Chloe, does as much for me as a nice 30-minute meditation. I have to be careful when to choose which one. In this state of heightened alertness, it is not always easy to discern what I need at any given time.  If my brain is working overtime, the walk is better. Being in nature helps me stop thinking. I look deeply at the flowers and trees and connect with that which is outside myself, with the universal force, and moving my body with purpose expends some of that nervous energy.

Meditation is good when I am feeling sludgy and blurry. It clears my head and both relaxes and energizes my body and mind. It focuses me in a way no other discipline can. And it releases me too. I feel freer and connected to spirit. I feel expanded and expansive. I feel like I have connected the dots. I am unafraid of not knowing.

But right now I am not inclined to either walk or meditate. I am too much resting in fear. It becomes comfortable after a while, as so many unpleasant feelings do the longer we allow ourselves to feel them. But I don’t have the time to be scared. Not this paralyzing scared. There is too much to do, to prepare and to prepare for. I don’t have the luxury of stagnation. I must walk and I must meditate. For these are things to mitigate the kicking and screaming, however silent they may be right now.  Unchecked it could get quite noisy inside me and I cannot afford to allow that. So I write, acknowledging the feelings, observing them with some detachment, and expanding beyond them. I become bigger than my limited self and let change barrel on through. I step into the flow and allow myself to be carried on my path. I allow my Self to become One. I am still kicking and screaming, but I treat that part of me as one would treat a frightened child-with love and compassion.


One response »

  1. Beautifully expressed. Knowing ourselves, while allowing the coming and going of the ways in which we change [read: expand], is priceless. May the journey continue, and may you remain present for it.

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