For over a week now I have been suffering from a serious lack of motivation and I cannot decide if I am just feeling lazy or something else is going on. But all I want to do is be a couch potato and sleep. In my world, those are 2 signs of clinical depression, but I don’t think I am depressed. I feel stuck. My brain feels like cotton wool and anything creative seems like an enormous challenge and I feel completely enervated. “Rise to the occasion!”, you say. “Screw you!”, is my reply. I am too overwhelmed and I can’t think. For whatever reason, I feel like I am having to climb Mount Kilimanjaro without any climbing gear. It looms before me like a giant mushroom cloud after the big bang-portending my total destruction. What I am failing to see is the incipient life that is brewing.
I feel like I-or at least the “I” that I have known for years-is about to be anihilated and I am scared shit-less. Scared shit-less and dead in my tracks. Who will I be if I am not the crazy child/sister/friend? Who am I now? I am unrecognizable to myself. I know in my brain-that is the brain that feels like cotton wool-that with every loss or death there is a birth. We are born anew every second of every day on so many levels. We are ever-renewing and ever-evolving. But it feels like I most of all, am going through a transformation so quick and so extreme as to turn myself inside-out. I am an unknown. My hands no longer resemble my hands, my face belongs to someone else. Yet it is my face. Who is this person? Who am I?
I know I have written about change before, but this is a different kind of changing. There is nothing incremental about it. Yes, on some level there has been a slow evolution. But in recent months it has been a swift, hands-quicker-than-the-eye, magical change. And that is why I am stuck here now with no motivation. I am out of breath. I have run a 90-second marathon. I am having the “Now what do I do?” response. I think I have to get my bearings and the lay of this new landscape. I have to grieve the loss of the old. Before I can embrace what things have become, I have to say goodbye to what was. In this regard I cannot multi-task.
It is okay that I am unmotivated. I have gone through the trauma of the birth canal completely conscious and self-aware. I can stop beating myself up for what I am not doing and cry for a while. I am not lazy. I am new.