When you have a mental illness, it is as if the volume were turned up really loud with all your senses. Everything is heightened and intensified. Lights are brighter, sounds louder, energy vibrating very fast-or slow perhaps. Bottom line…it’s all too much.
For me this manifests in a variety of ways and I must hasten to say that I am very much better than I was even five years ago. There was a time when I could run hysterically from the supermarket in extreme sensory overload. But now, it’s mostly being in crowds of people that does me in. More than five or six folks at a time and I need a day or two of recovery. I used to need a week to recover from parties or shopping. For a very long time I wouldn’t do any of that. I found excuses for not doing just about everything that would place me at risk. I disappointed a l0t of friends time and time again. All because life was too loud.
Today I have come to a Miami hotel for the weekend for my oldest niece’s wedding. There is a very busy itinerary and people all over the place. I have had diarrhea for two days, taken an extra klonopin yesterday, and been completely bound up today. Yikes! Thankfully there will be plenty of champagne to float on, and family I love to be with. I will miss my baby-dog, Chloe, and our roomie, Kim. And I will be totally worn out by Sunday. But this is a worthy exercise for me in being sociable, something I do with hesitation always, but need to play at more often.