I enter into the Spring of 2013 full of expectant excitement. Big changes are afoot. I am about to enter into another phase of my life and a new incarnation. The transformation process has been jarring at times, but a slow progression. And as long as I stay open, it will never stop, even when I am gone from this plane. After all, transformation and change are really the only things we can be certain of in this world, and perhaps even beyond it.
The metaphorical aspect of spring has never been lost on me and at no time more so than now. The freshness of things new and young, the coming of an abundant Nature, verdant times, new beginnings-all this I feel swirling inside me now. But there is also pain involved in rebirth, a certain effort put forth, all of which is a necessary part of the process. I balk and wince a bit at this aspect of change, but the part of me that used to go into it kicking and screaming has been long gone. Thank God for that! Pain and effort are much worse when you resist them. And one must recognize and acknowledge the necessary losses that go hand in glove with change and transformation. Something dies only to be reborn in another form. We must lose to gain, give up to acquire.
So what have I lost or given up? Perhaps the biggest things are a limited view of myself and a deep-seeded fear that I don’ deserve the most out of my life; that I can’t have what I want. Of course what I want changes too and I have had to go into this particular change with more clarity than I have in the past. And I have. Something else I have lost is the notion that I am “less than”-less than other people, less than I could be. I have come to the long awaited conclusion that I am the best I can be right now. I am my best self. A sacred revelation. And it took me a long time and a lot of work to get here. I have earned it with blood, sweat, and lots of tears. I have faced me square on and looked hard. I have embraced the flaws as well as the assets. I have become, and I am still becoming. I am redefining myself by quality and not quantity, by abstracts not concretes. And it is not as easy to live in our current climate by doing that. The world recognizes us by the things we do, the way we look, the possessions we have. That is a part of what we are surely, but it is not who we are.
I finally understand this. And I am full of gratitude.