So, you know my diagnosis, but you don’t know what that means. Basically it is a BOGO. Ha! Two for the price of one. A bit of schizophrenia with a mood disorder as well. In my case the mood disorder is Bipolar II, which means that I have more depressive episodes than manic ones. For me it’s the “schizo” aspect of the illness that is the scariest. I get paranoid and delusional and, like I said, ordinary things can become terrorizing. I can’t trust anyone, including myself, and I doubt everything in my reality. It’s very enervating.
Lately I have been having impulse control issues. You know the way people with Tourette’s blurt out all manner of vulgarity? Well, lately I have found myself thinking really nasty things and had to exercise an enormous amount of control to not say them. I told my psychiatrist about it yesterday. It happened for a while a couple of months ago and he increased my dosage of anti-psychotic medication. But this time he didn’t seem concerned. It’s not happening every day and I, so far, have been easily able to control myself. But it’s still scary to have nasty thoughts pop into my head seemingly all by themselves. It’s one thing to yell “You fucking cunt!” while I am driving alone in my car, but quite another to have the impulse to say it to a dear friend for no reason.
Consequently(I think), I have been having trouble allowing myself to fall asleep at night. The necessity to let go and be “taken” by sleep is making me very edgy and when my head hits the pillow, the lights go on in my brain and I can’t relax enough to go with the flow. Last night I lay there for over an hour with a Harry Potter film playing(as it always does at nighttime), until I finally fell asleep. Before my father started going downhill rapidly, about 2 months ago, my head would hit the pillow and I’d be out cold. Not recently though. It’s a control issue to be sure. But when your brain feels out of control you tend to try your hardest to be in control when you can be. It’s a horrible game to play with yourself. You can’t win.